Monday, October 02, 2006

In threes: limbs, lyrics, love

I saw my three-limbed lizard today. After a long long time.

How can anyone be so oblivious to another’s adulation? I wonder. He just doesn’t seem to notice me ever.


But. That’s okay I suppose, for he’s come to be my lucky mascot over time. Not that he’s ever brought me luck really, but seeing him lifts my spirit. Makes me happy. Cheers me up. Ya da ya da.

Today, on impulse I also reached out for my Wallflowers album. After four years. Suddenly Jacob Dylan’s I’m-the-studliest voice transported me to way-back-then.

Jooooosephine, you’re so sweet/ you must taste just like sugar and taaaaangerine…

Gosh he’s something else. [All right, so slot me]. Four years ago I was coming out of my first serious relationship. And my job sucked. I was working at a corporate house as their media consultant, and this is what I listened to by way of catharsis. Day in and day out. Literally.

My day began in my non-aircon white 800, with Jacob singing at top volume, as I tried to drown out every thought of the day-gone-by and the day-to-come, the people I had met and the people I had to meet. Each day I would arrive at work, smiling. And as the day wore on, the smile would wane. The nice girl struggling to stay afloat would get drowned out and the monster would rear her ugly head. Pushy, aggressive, megalomaniac boss, his oily lazy secretary, sleazy touchy-feely colleague [who I later heard was fired from his next job for molesting a co-worker], and an assortment of other equally detestable corporate fauna were not good for my well-being. Every evening I’d step out itching to do serious damage, and then Jacob would soothe my nerves.

This routine lasted for three months. Then one day I said enough. So, I changed my job.

Today his voice brought back a rush of bittersweet things I didn’t remember existed in me – a dull nervous knot that sat at the center of my colon during those horrid days and the joy of hearing his lovely voice fill me up with hope of a better time.

I also saw S today. So casually. Like it was yesterday that we were in school, and I was silly and seventeen again. It was embarrassing to feel my heart thump wildly and loudly and painfully. I had this sudden urge to straighten my hair, tug at my faded pink t-shirt and look a lot more nonchalant than I felt right that moment. But I couldn’t, and after ages I felt like an inept idiot with my mouth gone dry and my ears all hot and red. So I just hung my head and let him pass by, without a sign of recognition.

Three crushes. Three lives. Three different times.

I can see the moon from my window. Sigh.

There’s something about it…


lovesjazzlovescoffee said...

I know what you mean about seeing the three legged lizard!! WE have this blue jay with one foot that visits our bird feeder. I always feel so much happier fater I have seen him...knowing he's still surviving and that we gave him some lunch!! I look for him.

I also know that dry mouth, red ear-ed feeling....I hate it when that happens to me....!!!

You are so descriptive!! I love reading your blog!!

NanNan said...

Funny how music is so bound to emotions, and how certain songs are valves letting loose the flow of feelings, even opening old wounds we thought had long since healed!! You are an amazing writer, an amazing person----I love how you tie things together, "How can anyone be oblivious to another 's adulation"-I wonder if S was in some way like your 3 legged lizard ? Courageous of you to leave a job you knew was not good for you---- I'm looking out my window, probably at the same moon--- Hoping for you new music, new love !!!

B diddy said...

I'm too young for music to take me back that far except for this one time I heard this song on my Ipod that took me back to driving in my car yesterday. I agree that you're an amazing blogger, maybe the best!

NanNan said...

No maybe about it !!!! Hours after reading it, I'm thinking about a 3 legged lizard man!!! I know, i know, the man wasn't a lizard !! or three legged!!! ;)

Lizza said...

Why is it that many of your posts evoke this dratted darkness in me? (a.k.a. Dark Galadriel) :-)

I am enthralled by the way you weave magic with your words. Looking forward to more!

The moon. It's beautiful, hauntingly so sometimes. Like it holds the answers to our deepest mysteries. Sometimes I hate it. :-)

H said...

LJLC, thankeeyooo. Very nice to see you here. :-) Ahhhhhhh so LJLC has a crush tooooo? Tell ussssssssss. Yep, these blue jays and lizards wonderful aren’t they? Like little tidings of joy from the powers that be. Have a great day. LJLC.

Nanster… you do know that you’re an absolute darling, don’t you? thank you. yes. Songs, smells… very evocative. Sometimes to the point of tears, sometimes inexplicably joyous. Actually it wasn’t courageous of me. I am by nature impulsive, reactive & rebellious in an arsey way. As I grow older I am now learning to curb the impulsiveness. For me, courage is actually in holding on, despite the pain. I think it is my bosses who have been courageous to bear with me. Grin. Yeah but in this case, I really did try to stick it out. Though I decided to leave after 3 months, I put in a total of 5 months so that they could find someone to replace me. Three subsequent replacements left within a month each after me. So yeah, perhaps that one time, it really wasn’t about me.

B Diddy, sweetie, you’re never too young for memories… but yeah, 24 hours too is enough time for a memory to get sepia toned I suppose. Grin. You’re an awesome storyteller too. Mutual admiration society rocks! Which in essence means, I WANT YOUR NEXT HAFRANK STORY NOW!!!

Nanster… shhhhhh. Grin. Though S isn’t the lizard. And yes, so many times I look up at the moon, feeling connected to all the people I love, whether far or near. Moon gazing rock!

Lizza, girl. It is so good to see you back on blog! Very glad that you kept your posts going through the aftermath of the typhoon. Dark Galadriel eh? Grin. But I don’t wish to evoke this darkness. Because things are too transient for us to stop and brood. Na? How horrible that you should feel pulled down. But the moon is always always beautiful. Why do you sometimes hate Her? Thanks & hug.

Anonymous said...

Things DO come in threes, right?

Question is: is the third time the charm?


H said...

Good question HB. things are yet to come full circle. And then I'll tell you the answer to that one... but pray tell, that mischevious tone says that you somehow DO know the answer to that one...

tell usssss.