Friday, June 22, 2007

The art of arseholery; or driving on Delhi roads

It isn’t yet part of the dictionary.

They haven’t yet started teaching a course on it.

All this of course, because the press in the west hasn’t recognised it and Harvard hasn’t published a paper on it.

But I am hoping that my modest little blog will do much to spread the word. We are, after all, the capital of India, which happens to be the second most populous country in the world, the seventh largest geographical-political state and the largest democracy in the world… so yes, do please look it up on Wikipedia and discover anew what a wonderfully variegated [and populous] world you inhabit.

But coming back to the point of this post, arseholery by definition is something that requires full participation – from head to arse. It is that fine single thread of concentration that strings your entire being from bottom to brain, requiring, if the early sages are to be believed, the wholehearted participation in an action with every blood vessel and neuron. So be warned, this is not going to be an easy ride. Driving on Delhi roads is no small feat. Certainly not something that you can pull off with your hands in your pocket and your eyes shut – which is actually how most of us here do it. [So begin to pay your respect already]

A few guidelines that I have found useful:

1.) There are no lanes. Demarcations and such are clever devices employed by the government to distract you.
2.) Red means go. Green and yellow are just part of a cryptic and pointless design aesthetic.
3.) A horn is a beacon. The further your signals go into the cosmos, the greater your chances of being noticed.
4.) The less contact you have with the steering wheel, the greater your manoeuvrability.
5.) Pedestrians are also part of the government’s clever scheme to distract. Pay no attention, especially not to little children who look beguiling vulnerable.
6.) Always, always enunciate clearly while swearing. People lose respect easily.
7.) If you’re going to insist on driving in a pair of breasts [which means you do not have that thing between your legs, which, as ALL of us in Delhi know, is the seat of logic, geography, road etiquette and physics] then at least have the good sense to stay off the road as much as you can.
8.) Finally, if anyone shows you a rule-book, inform the police. Anyone carrying such a document must be treated with the deepest suspicion.

If you’re looking for more about life on the Delhi Highway, this is a good place to go.

Meanwhile stay safe, and don’t venture out alone. There could be a Delhi driver on the loose, because wherever you are, always know, that there’s an Indian lurking in the shadows*.

* 1 among every 6 people in the world is an Indian.

[The veracity of this fact is subject to Shout laws, which state that if you have a problem with any fact stated in these parts, you may approach the court of Shout for a spanking. The bench is obliged to honour every request.]


Lizza said...

Hahahaha! That was precious. #7 almost made me spew out my coffee. Thank you for sharing these facts about driving in Delhi, they'd have gone unknown elsewhere in the world otherwise.

I hope you come here and make a similar mini-dissertation about driving in Manila.

D said...

Good you're too cynical. I survive on these roads everyday and I give a damn to that there’s an Indian lurking in the shadows. Please understand that this is our way of life and we all are comfortable driving....except pt. 7 which i whole heartedly agree too...and dislike accepting that.

Andrew The Asshole said...

Ask The Ass Monday is coming don't forget to submit your question.

H said...

Liz: Yes... driving on delhi roads has indeed played a part in building the sterling character[s] of R&Lboh. And we can't wait to spring our sprightly selves on Manila traffic. Just the thought of it makes my heart go all mmmmmmm.

D: BUT I LOVE driving on Delhi roads! [whine] AND I love lurking in shadows. It's so smooth, slinky and sexy.
So D, I've just had a conference with Us at Shout, and we were wondering perhaps maybe you'd like a spanking...? And hey, welcome here. ;-)

How NOW! am I talking to Andrew or the A**hole? Welcome anyway. And i shall spread the word among my kin, so we can all converse with the A*** on Monday.

Anonymous said...

Hehehe... Doesn't sound as bad as Bangalore. Hyderabad is fun though...

I should do two posts, one for each city. :P

n.g. said...

9. Drink up.
10. Carry a handgun for anyone who has the audacity to ask you why ur drinking and driving.

The One and Possibly Only said...

Spank me!

Yes, I need help...

H said...

AC: there! I'm glad. At least us arses in Delhi gave you something to blog about. So when are you posting hanh?

NG: wah. aapke mooh mein ghee shakkar aur whiskey ki pellet. Kya sahi kahi. Though I'd say not drink up, but tank up. Us in Delhi do nothing as weak and respectable as drink.

Bob bob bob, bad bad bad boy you. And WHERE have you been? Why no post?

Prude said...

Ha ha ha ha...oh Delhi!

Am just about to get my drivers license and the one thing am being taught is NOT to drive by the rules!!! Everytime I follow a rule as simple as putting my indicator and slowing down before taking a turn am yelled at for BEING considerate to the other driver and for having MISSED taking the turn 5 secs earlier!!!!!

I guess this is why they call life on the indian streets fun, exciting and unpredictable...they forget to add fatal!! ;)

pRicky said...

I like driving in India. and I ahve driven in both Meerut and bangalore and Meerut is iraq of driving.
But here In London well these guys drive with a stick up their ass...
Darn and you would think driving sex bombs such as the jaguar and et al woud give you some slack with the stick u shove up ur ass when u drive but no...
Believe me... Indian assholery driving any day rather the snob stick shoving... ;-)

The One and Possibly Only said...

Apathy I s'pose. It'll getcha.

NanNan said...

Geesh--- Frank would do great driving over there---- he stops at green lights and goes right through red---and me,,, I just close my eyes and pray!!!

houseband00 said...

Remind me not to drive if I find myself in Delhi, H. =)

H said...

Prude: that's perfectly surmised. Oh and a simple bit of advice from a once timid driver... just drive into the MOST chaotic part of town once [I went to Faridabad for my initiation] and you will emerge a winner if you survive it. trust me. that's all it takes to separate the grain from the chaff.

Pricky: I like driving in India too. Delhi, to be more specific. I get to practice being a bastard without looking odd.

Bob, that's just too cynical! But I suppose when you have a bike, then you don't really need to blog.

NANNNNNNNNNSTAAAAAAAAAAAH! Big big big big hug. You're back! yay! yes well Frank and my dad and I are obviously from the same gene pool. Hahahaha I get to closing my eyes and praying when I'm very far gone through the red light.

HB: More importantly, remind yourself not to be around when Ricky's driving. That last bit in the post was especially for you, my friend. :-D

Julia Scissor said...

Lol. Thanks for the crash course in driving (pun intended) on Delhi’s roads.

B Ditty said...

one in 300,000,000 people is a werewolf

H said...

Julia, anytime girl! I could even take you on a crash drive if you'd like.

Ben, whatever you do, don't tell me how you came by that bit of info, ok?