The art of arseholery; or driving on Delhi roads

It isn’t yet part of the dictionary.

They haven’t yet started teaching a course on it.

All this of course, because the press in the west hasn’t recognised it and Harvard hasn’t published a paper on it.

But I am hoping that my modest little blog will do much to spread the word. We are, after all, the capital of India, which happens to be the second most populous country in the world, the seventh largest geographical-political state and the largest democracy in the world… so yes, do please look it up on Wikipedia and discover anew what a wonderfully variegated [and populous] world you inhabit.

But coming back to the point of this post, arseholery by definition is something that requires full participation – from head to arse. It is that fine single thread of concentration that strings your entire being from bottom to brain, requiring, if the early sages are to be believed, the wholehearted participation in an action with every blood vessel and neuron. So be warned, this is not going to be an easy ride. Driving on Delhi roads is no small feat. Certainly not something that you can pull off with your hands in your pocket and your eyes shut – which is actually how most of us here do it. [So begin to pay your respect already]

A few guidelines that I have found useful:

1.) There are no lanes. Demarcations and such are clever devices employed by the government to distract you.
2.) Red means go. Green and yellow are just part of a cryptic and pointless design aesthetic.
3.) A horn is a beacon. The further your signals go into the cosmos, the greater your chances of being noticed.
4.) The less contact you have with the steering wheel, the greater your manoeuvrability.
5.) Pedestrians are also part of the government’s clever scheme to distract. Pay no attention, especially not to little children who look beguiling vulnerable.
6.) Always, always enunciate clearly while swearing. People lose respect easily.
7.) If you’re going to insist on driving in a pair of breasts [which means you do not have that thing between your legs, which, as ALL of us in Delhi know, is the seat of logic, geography, road etiquette and physics] then at least have the good sense to stay off the road as much as you can.
8.) Finally, if anyone shows you a rule-book, inform the police. Anyone carrying such a document must be treated with the deepest suspicion.

If you’re looking for more about life on the Delhi Highway, this is a good place to go.

Meanwhile stay safe, and don’t venture out alone. There could be a Delhi driver on the loose, because wherever you are, always know, that there’s an Indian lurking in the shadows*.


* 1 among every 6 people in the world is an Indian.
[The veracity of this fact is subject to Shout laws, which state that if you have a problem with any fact stated in these parts, you may approach the court of Shout for a spanking. The bench is obliged to honour every request.]