Monday, June 09, 2008

Writer [English]

I've been looking for a writer for us. There comes a time in everyone's life, when they must stop their depraved pursuit of renegade punctuation in the verbiage of people who went to B-school and forgot what Ms. Chanda taught them in English class.

Well, there comes such a time in my life.

Sick of exclamation marks in excess, misplaced apostrophes and sms spelling in offishall dokumentz, I'm just about ready to savagely uproot the eyebrows of the next idiot who dares show me an ill-composed piece of writing.

And so, burning with zeal and purpose, I carefully composed an ad and R, the client-managing stalwart of our workshop posted it on a dotcom of inspiring repute, thinking one ad, and we're going to be swamped with CVs from wordsmiths of admirable calibre; because after all we are who we are, small, but cutting edge and all.

They did come. The CVs; describing wonders I hadn't ever thought could exist.

One hot stud of a creative director, down from unnameable country for 'personal reasons', came along for an interview ensconced in a viscous cloud of expensive cologne and a crisp white shirt. He had the sort of Grecian good looks that immortalise urns. But pretty faces with fat salary expectations don't run a firm. He was clearly given to spending the amount I earn in a month on a week's ration of parfum pour homme. It was apparent that we weren't suited for one another quite early into the meeting, but he insisted on taking us through ALL his work, explaining every clever turn of phrase with patronising patience. At some point, his leg brushed past mine, and when I looked up to apologise, unsure of whose fault it was, he dimpled a deeply meaningful smile, allowed his gaze to linger just a moment too long, and then continued nonchalantly with his monologue. Bumfarkin'confoundedness! Do people think they can get away with anything, just because they're terribly awfully bloody good looking and their diction's perfect? [um, something tells me, the answer to that could easily be yes.] I mean, I should've been the one, if at all, being lewd. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't he on MY TURF? I hate being cheated of my rights, especially when it involves becoming flustered, looking an ace idiot and not being able to smell properly for half a day.

Another fellow shimmied in, telling us he "would write, of course! But I wouldn't like to edit copy, as I'd rather spend my time envisioning things of greater importance for the company". Thank you very much, mister, we HAVE a business development team, and rather a lot more vision than we'd care to outsource. It would be nice, perhaps, if you'd evince an interest in the job we've advertised for. Later it emerged that he also planned, between his writings and visions to squeeze in a few plump freelance assignments. His parting shot was "Umm, even if you don't hire me, could I moonlight with you?"

The most priceless so far, though, has been this little toad, a fledgling junior writer at some arse-hammered nondescript agency, I had the pleasure of calling.

H [in my crispest telephone voice]: "Hi, am I speaking with X?"
Toad: "Ya?"
YA? What is farkin' YA?
H [maintaining telephone charm]: "I'm calling about your CV which you posted in response to our ad for a writer?"
Toad [disinterested to the degree of almost suggesting that I was calling about a tax poll]: "Ya?"
H [ignoring the urge to pop a vein, giving nonchalance a good name]: "Er, did you or did you not?"
Toad: "Ya ya."
H [losing control of vein and nonchalance]: "Er, X, you seem to be responding only in 'Ya's, Sounds like you're very busy?"
Toad: "Ha ha. Ya."


Oh. And. If another copy-cowboy even utters the word "anyways" I'm going to do a serious arse-razing [MS Word insisted it should be raising] earth shattering Rumpelstiltskin.

What's with 'anyways'? Hanh? What IS 'anyways', anyway?

In my very limited and archaic view of the world, it sounds suspiciously like something that calls for the careful de-hirsuting of eyebrows AND some, with a single-hair-pinch-and-pluck epilator with a jerky battery and rusty pincers.

But, this is just my opinion.

I'm exhausted now; 'tis bad for my nerves – such raw excitement.


B Ditty said...

I definitely will watch my "ya's" from now on ;)

NanNan said...

Yada, yada,yada, lol, lmao, btw,JUST KIDDING H,----In Canada, we really do say," ay?". in Nova Scotia,-- "that was right some good"--- and btw h, that post was sum good-- ouch!!!! those pincers ARE rusty!! Your interviews sound like the bad show preludes to American Idol-- especially Toad! Anyways, I gots to go now! ;) love you dawtah-- do you happen to know what <3 means (other than less than three)

H said...

Oh no no. I'll admit I'm anal, but not so anal that I have a problem with normal speech. I say 'Ya' and rely on a whole zoo of slangsy usages all the time. But there is a time and space for every kind of expression, na? You don't get all casual on a prospective employer, to the extent that you respond in bovine monosyllables when they’re trying to conduct a conversation with you, especially not when the job you’re applying for is that of a writer. I don’t think I’d be so appalled if the interview was for something less communicative like say accounts [I imagine – but I could be wrong about what their job entails]. I know, I’m being terribly obnoxiously judgemental about these people who applied, particularly ‘the toad’, but it’s really frustrating when people display such blatant disregard for what earns them their bread, especially when you’re trying to hire them.

Ben.... no. Don't. Just don't say LOL. that's all.

Nan, that's a heart! right? Who's been sending you hearts? hanh?

H said...

Oh and, Nanster, I <3 you too.

Prude said...

ha ha ha! Oh H! I wish I could hug you and tell you that you won't meet anymore ninhcompoops like these in life again...sigh but i can't.

Did you know that can't isn't a word in the dictionary?

Anyways, so howz you? ;-)

H said...

Prude loov [as, a certain Diva from Barnsley will have me believe, they say in England] 'Tisn't isn't a word in the dictionary either... but we'd know better, wouldn't we? ;-)

I'm, um, keeping that vein sedated. Nothing that a nice shot of 'stuff' can't soothe away.

Witness Street said...

"...ensconced in a viscous cloud of expensive cologne and a crisp white shirt. He had the sort of Grecian good looks that immortalise urns..."

He sounds like an ad. From a torn page of Vanity Fair. If he's that beautiful, he must certainly not be a writer.

Anyways. I'd have sent my CV too but the last time I did that I turned into an anecdote. But the prospect of working with H? Ah.

And I love how you use "arse".

lost said...

would like to add a bit about being on the other side of the table. I feel grammar monstered after every script session. The guy is nice, cute and all. Till he reaches active and passive voices. Add to it the "in", "is" and the "if"-s of the world. Then follows instructions like "Make it more conversational","more visual" and "NEVER CROSS THE WORD LIMIT".
May be should send the cologne guy to him.

H said...

Go on Migs, you too, take my arse with Anyways.

But you, and it really could only be you, my dear are terribly terribly incisive. He really was that beautiful. In a Dorian Grey sort of way. I tried to look for signs of brilliance or a lack of in his writing, but it defied expectation; it was just... just. Competent.

Turning into an anecdote, somehow, with you cast in the lead, sounds like a very exciting graphic novel. Chapter one just flashed an enticing flash at RBoH and LBoH.

Lost, hahahahaha. Sounds like you've had a fair trial, y'self, with writers. Active-passive voices really are tricky. Hahahahaha.

NanNan said...

It's so obvious! a heart--and I'm so obviously dumb, too many years of teaching math-- thanks for clearing that up for me-- in such a sweet way-
So were there any successful candidates? I understood your point completely-- it upsets me when people chew gum in the workplace-- Cheers to Ms. Chanda-

H said...

Uh huh. Hmmm. Nan darling, WHO sent you a <3? Telll meeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Very very curious. And Frank, are you listening? Hahahahaha.

You said, it. It's like chewing gum at work. Though, er... ummm... I'm sometimes, often guilty of doing that. :-P

Prometheus said...

Recruiting is such fun, no? Prometheus had the honor of reading through the CV of a prospective business development manager that, under 'Strengths', said 'able to use both sides of the brain'. And under 'Hobbies' said 'conducting satsang'. Precious. No?

H said...

Prom boy, you spell honour like an American! [Blame it on Ms. Chanda, I wasn�t born arsey, *I swear*]. Hahahahahahahahaha �Conducting satsang� is priceless. Though RBoH and LBoH had something to say about that other thing � strengths. Something to do with �poo�. But thankeeeeee Prom boy, you just made H feel better.

Prometheus said...

Aww H.. Prom doesn't hate them Americanians so much. He agrees with honor, color and organize but somehow sulfur doesn't cut it with him. Also, it ain't a windscreen but a windshield. Americanians may have invented the car, but the British invented the language. Wot?

H said...

Prom boy, H says SAHI!

Lizza said...

Oooh, sounds like you had a fun day! Hope your eyebrows are still intact.

Migs, the super-beautiful people can't be writers? Our dear H is an exception to that rule.

Non-Sensei said...

aha! I have finally learnt what RBoH and LBoH are, thanks to Prometheus' hilarious BD manager CV.
At least, I think I have.
ok, gtg. ttyl.


Non-Sensei said...

oh, and I see your writerman IS is in the news and all for activism?

NanNan said...

Oh H--nobody is sending me hearts! I see that symbol on facebook all the time-- Just goes to prove that the creative side of my brain has completely atrophied--- and the other side isn't far behind!!

H said...

Lizza, about the eyebrows, you'll have to ask the toad. She's probably missing large chunks. Mine are flourishing - which may or may not be a good thing.

Well Migs is a hottie himself... so don't mind him Liz, he's just being droll. Heck, we're all gorgeous.... is how the legend rolls.

Nonsense boy, c'mere love. *smiling coyly* come, sit y'r fine self next to me. That's right. Come closer. Nice. Comfortable? *fluttering eyelids*


Ok. Just kidding. Don't mind the nervous twitch. It'll die down.

IS, yes, well that should come as no surprise really. Animal's is a product of his continued activism over 14 years. You shoudlread the book, NS, I'm am sure you'll enjoy it. But, enough of dodgy plugs here. And really, now, Right Brain of H and Left Brain of H are no secret. They're a bloody nuisance.

Nan... hahahahaha. Your esp is working as potently as ever I see. Something on facebook soon. ;-)

Non-Sensei said...

heh. yes. you need to calm down, loov (i am actually qualified to use that, since i yam where i yam which is where that word comes from).

take a pill or ten, fillie. :)

B Ditty said...

I think honor is better without that silly "U" :p

B Ditty said...

Why should the British make all the rules?

H said...

But without silly me, honour wouldn't be quite 'it', na? Or without u. ;-)

Btw, you're really cute when you get all rebellious. *evil grin*

david santos said...

I loved this post and this blog.
Happy day

Raj Dutta said...

H, I don't know who you are but thanks for waking me and my blog up. Funny, though, that you call yourself H and then frown upon 'mono-sylabillizing'.
Thanks anyway(s) and do keep chiming. Would love to read more.

H said...

Oh But Raj, i think you do. Irony is a smug little cat. Ha.
Not funny really, just rabidly insecure.

Raj Dutta said...

Ok, I'll play along then - what fun. Btw why should finding writers be a problem? I've tons of unemployed writer friends, and some of them are employable too. Need references?

H said...

Damn. fancy this. Ha. But yes... most certainly yes. Could I request you to please email me with references?

Most kind, you are.

Badarsedpimp, I am.