Thursday, August 02, 2007

[Vanquishing] Low Self Esteem

Keep your [under]pant[ie]s on, girls and boys; today’s lesson is about low self-esteem.

Low Self Esteem is a slithering, slimy, whiney bitch/ bastard. [Being of no specific gender, it reproduces more virulently than rabbits, rats or rashes.]
It can strike any time, without warning.
It usually attacks in one contiguous glutinous mass.

Lesson over, you may undress now.


I’ve been pottering about in my head, devising elaborate strategies on how to combat this Low Self Esteem thingummybobitch. But since it’s infiltrated my brain, severally, I figure there’s no point. I might as well acknowledge it with a conciliatory cup of earl grey and get on with the farkin’ business of plodding.

That’s just what I was doing actually, when one little girl who’s a writer where I work; a frolicsome sparkling beam of sunshine, said to me:

“H, this piece has been written beautifully. Your use of language is really beautiful.”

Now I could be bragging. I could. And beautiful is NOT a word I’d associate with myself or anything that I produce, biologically or otherwise; but let’s just put this most unbecoming cynicism aside for one moment, and consider this: I was feeling like Yama’s [pronounced ‘Yum’] toe jam all morning. Jaded. Defeated. Countless-ly trod upon by fate’s smelly feet; incompetent and ugly and fat and puffy eyed too, if you’re asking.

But after hearing this, I noticed in the bathroom mirror how flat my stomach is, how shiny my hair is, how evenly brown my nose is and how I can string a sentence or two without faltering. [This last I almost didn’t notice in the mirror, but being as I was engaged in my usual activity of impressing myself with a lengthy, well delivered speech upon the pot, I did.]

Low Self Esteem is obviously such a shallow bastard. Ha ha. Ha. And I’m feeling very sharp and dazzling again.

Okay, maybe not sharp. Or dazzling. But confident. Somewhat.


Hyde said...

The key is to keep working on the "somewhat confident" and you'll get there. :-)

Prude said...

Yeah...high on the potty to defeat the low self esteem huh? Ok dat was pathetic!!

But have a flat stomach and shiny black hair and a lovely even brown complexion and you write like some thigummybobloodyawesomebitch!!(I know I suck at compliments but by now u must have figured am a huge an of this blog of urs...)

All in all woman you must be one helluva catch!!! ;)

Lizza said...

I love the image of you waxing rhetoric in front of the mirror. I agree, Low Self-Esteem is one shallow but wily bastard -- I can sooooo relate.

But at least you have a flat stomach!

H said...

Hyde: welcome here. I guess you’re right, but before that, let me introduce you to everybody [all three of you] here. Hyde writes fun stories. Read them on his smorgasbord blog. I’ll be adding it to my sidebar links.

Prude: Aw man. Thanks sweetie! That is the aweblardysomest compliment ever. So potent & domina-like. I’m not sure that all the right people [okeh, the right ONE-G person] agrees with you about that catch bit though... :-/ hmmm. But YAY! anyway.

Lizza, I knew you’d appreciate this. I was thinking Charlie’s Angels this morning, and humming smack my bitch up/ smack my bitch up [lots of techno sound effects that I cannot reproduce on blog] as hummably as I could, while I was SO kicking its arse. LSE’s that is. But, about the flat tum - not always. Actually only sometimes, mostly after I’ve delivered that speech [and more] on the pot.

Hyde said...

Err... thanks. Btw, you are the probably the only person who's called them "fun".

H said...

Oh that. That’s just my very expansive idea of fun. Any readable, engaging story for me is a ‘fun’ story. Needn’t necessarily be bouncy-funny-happy fun. ;-)

B Ditty said...

I bet werewolves have low self-esteem...being hated, hairy and all that.

H said...

That, Ben, is a very astute observation.
You should be a counsellor. Or in the Human Rights Commission.

I wanna have a flat tummy too!!! said...

Oh dahling H!!!

I knew you'd snap outofit in a flash (of yer washboard abs!!! > I hate you for it btw! I'd kill to have at least 5 pounds of flab sucked out of my tum-tum, or ok maybe there's no need for aggression & murder, maybe I'd just fork out & pay for a liposuction!) and dazzling, just the way I always imagine you to be...~winkwink~;-)

H said...

Umm M, call it a confession, or call it a technicality, but really "how flat my stomach is" doesn't, err, umm *deep breath* always mean it's flat-flat. but flatter than ... say.... very not flat?

So please don't want to kill me.

I don't want to be twiddling my thumbs eternally in my red heels, waiting for you to open your coffee shop in hell [remember, I'm your serving girl?]

Aww, but I shan't deny you the pleasure that your imagination seems to provide you [and me] ;-)

The One and Possibly Only said...

I don't get plagued with low self-esteem often. If I feel it creeping on, I just do something I know I'm good at. Like eating.


That was a joke...

...but I am hungry

B Ditty said...

*throws bob a sommer sausage*

houseband00 said...

C'mon, sweet H, you the bomb! =)

H said...

Bob, we obviously have a lot in common. :-)

Ben, i'll have a shrimp salad please.

HBeee, aww. Boom. ;-)

NanNan said...

Mirrors and self esteem do not go together in my world!!!

H said...

Nan! you're back! honestly, they don't go together too often in my world either. But this is exactly why blog's such a great forum na?! ;-)