Thursday, August 02, 2007

[Vanquishing] Low Self Esteem

Keep your [under]pant[ie]s on, girls and boys; today’s lesson is about low self-esteem.

Low Self Esteem is a slithering, slimy, whiney bitch/ bastard. [Being of no specific gender, it reproduces more virulently than rabbits, rats or rashes.]
It can strike any time, without warning.
It usually attacks in one contiguous glutinous mass.

Lesson over, you may undress now.

***

I’ve been pottering about in my head, devising elaborate strategies on how to combat this Low Self Esteem thingummybobitch. But since it’s infiltrated my brain, severally, I figure there’s no point. I might as well acknowledge it with a conciliatory cup of earl grey and get on with the farkin’ business of plodding.

That’s just what I was doing actually, when one little girl who’s a writer where I work; a frolicsome sparkling beam of sunshine, said to me:

“H, this piece has been written beautifully. Your use of language is really beautiful.”

Now I could be bragging. I could. And beautiful is NOT a word I’d associate with myself or anything that I produce, biologically or otherwise; but let’s just put this most unbecoming cynicism aside for one moment, and consider this: I was feeling like Yama’s [pronounced ‘Yum’] toe jam all morning. Jaded. Defeated. Countless-ly trod upon by fate’s smelly feet; incompetent and ugly and fat and puffy eyed too, if you’re asking.

But after hearing this, I noticed in the bathroom mirror how flat my stomach is, how shiny my hair is, how evenly brown my nose is and how I can string a sentence or two without faltering. [This last I almost didn’t notice in the mirror, but being as I was engaged in my usual activity of impressing myself with a lengthy, well delivered speech upon the pot, I did.]

Low Self Esteem is obviously such a shallow bastard. Ha ha. Ha. And I’m feeling very sharp and dazzling again.

Okay, maybe not sharp. Or dazzling. But confident. Somewhat.

16 comments:

Hyde said...

The key is to keep working on the "somewhat confident" and you'll get there. :-)

Prude said...

Yeah...high on the potty to defeat the low self esteem huh? Ok dat was pathetic!!

But umm...you have a flat stomach and shiny black hair and a lovely even brown complexion and you write like some thigummybobloodyawesomebitch!!(I know I suck at compliments but by now u must have figured am a huge an of this blog of urs...)

All in all woman you must be one helluva catch!!! ;)

Lizza said...

I love the image of you waxing rhetoric in front of the mirror. I agree, Low Self-Esteem is one shallow but wily bastard -- I can sooooo relate.

But at least you have a flat stomach!

H said...

Hyde: welcome here. I guess you’re right, but before that, let me introduce you to everybody [all three of you] here. Hyde writes fun stories. Read them on his smorgasbord blog. I’ll be adding it to my sidebar links.

Prude: Aw man. Thanks sweetie! That is the aweblardysomest compliment ever. So potent & domina-like. I’m not sure that all the right people [okeh, the right ONE-G person] agrees with you about that catch bit though... :-/ hmmm. But YAY! anyway.

Lizza, I knew you’d appreciate this. I was thinking Charlie’s Angels this morning, and humming smack my bitch up/ smack my bitch up [lots of techno sound effects that I cannot reproduce on blog] as hummably as I could, while I was SO kicking its arse. LSE’s that is. But, about the flat tum - not always. Actually only sometimes, mostly after I’ve delivered that speech [and more] on the pot.

Hyde said...

Err... thanks. Btw, you are the probably the only person who's called them "fun".

H said...

Oh that. That’s just my very expansive idea of fun. Any readable, engaging story for me is a ‘fun’ story. Needn’t necessarily be bouncy-funny-happy fun. ;-)

B Ditty said...

I bet werewolves have low self-esteem...being hated, hairy and all that.

H said...

That, Ben, is a very astute observation.
You should be a counsellor. Or in the Human Rights Commission.

I wanna have a flat tummy too!!! said...

Oh dahling H!!!

I knew you'd snap outofit in a flash (of yer washboard abs!!! > I hate you for it btw! I'd kill to have at least 5 pounds of flab sucked out of my tum-tum, or ok maybe there's no need for aggression & murder, maybe I'd just fork out & pay for a liposuction!)

...sharp and dazzling, just the way I always imagine you to be...~winkwink~;-)

H said...

Umm M, call it a confession, or call it a technicality, but really "how flat my stomach is" doesn't, err, umm *deep breath* always mean it's flat-flat. but flatter than ... say.... very not flat?

So please don't want to kill me.

I don't want to be twiddling my thumbs eternally in my red heels, waiting for you to open your coffee shop in hell [remember, I'm your serving girl?]

Aww, but I shan't deny you the pleasure that your imagination seems to provide you [and me] ;-)

The One and Possibly Only said...

I don't get plagued with low self-esteem often. If I feel it creeping on, I just do something I know I'm good at. Like eating.

Ha!

That was a joke...


...but I am hungry

B Ditty said...

*throws bob a sommer sausage*

houseband00 said...

C'mon, sweet H, you the bomb! =)

H said...

Bob, we obviously have a lot in common. :-)

Ben, i'll have a shrimp salad please.

HBeee, aww. Boom. ;-)

NanNan said...

Mirrors and self esteem do not go together in my world!!!

H said...

Nan! you're back! honestly, they don't go together too often in my world either. But this is exactly why blog's such a great forum na?! ;-)